|
|
R.L.'s Wondrous Tales
Click on one of the incredible book covers below to see a larger version.
Click the description text to download an exciting sample of the novel where
applicable. (Each Novel is listed in the order in which it was published,
starting with the most recent.) |
| |
Ice Thong: The Thawing of the Third Reich
|
Inga Blomasot, captain of the Stockholm Bikini Volleyball team thought she
had it made. Internationally renowned for her skills both on and off the
court, sought by sports advertisers and flush with cash, she and her team
members were living the high life. As the ultimate gift to her cohorts,
Inga organizes a group pleasure cruise to celebrate their incredible
journey. She rents out seven-tenths of an atmospheric research vessel
bound for Antarctica and three-weeks later they near the first of the
floating icebergs.
Soon after, surrounded by gorgeous glaciers, preening penguins and
incredible icebergs, they are amazed by the remote area at the bottom of
the Earth. Doing their best to ignore the ogling of the awkward
scientists, Inga and her friends uncork the Akvavit and toast their
success in the ship's galley. Twenty two bottles later, the team
collectively passes out in successful arctic bliss.
Unbeknownst to them, a hole in the ozone has thawed out U-3000, a
long-lost experimental WWII German U-Boat. The crew, somehow revitalized
by the "cosmic" rays from the ozone hole, awaken from their 70 year slumber
hungry for victory… and women.
|
|
Wolfstronaut
|
Lieutenant Commander Steve Dekker was the Navy’s best pilot. With over 20,000 combat missions, years of test flying, a chiseled jaw that could cut steel, and a blindingly handsome smile, he could effortlessly land any aircraft or any lady. When NASA called upon him to helm America’s next mission to the moon, he heroically rose to the challenge. The Saturn 17 was the most advanced piece of flying machinery man had ever created, the perfect craft for the world’s best pilot. But all Steve's years of flying did not prepare him for the terrible secret of his Chief Scientist….
Luc Crackovich, the world’s most renowned quantum physicist, virtually oozed science. His selection as the head of their quest for knowledge was a given. But Luc had a secret; a dark secret that revealed itself only when the moon was full.
Hours after landing the Saturn 17 in a crater on the light side of the moon, Steve and his stalwart crew learn that getting to the moon is the easy part; for Luc cannot control his transformation into a massive "Wolf-man". And as the creature stalks his former companions, tearing them apart one by one, the survivors learn the horrifying truth... it's always a full moon...on the moon.
|
|
Unicorn Fall
First Chapter
Chapter 37
|
The 12th book in
the Pillars of Gnarr deca-ology, “Unicorn Fall” brings Nectar the Barbarian
full circle to his humble beginnings in northern lands among the Great North
by Northwestern Tribes where he must confront the mysteries of the falling
unicorns and the ominous destruction they herald whilst simultaneously learning
to love again. The fate of Tardblivia hangs in the balance.
|
“In Unicorn Fall, McSterlingthong has once again proven that his seventeen
separate Nebulous Awards were no fluke. These characters leap off the page!”
– Jonas Crom, Science Fiction magazine
"I was contractually obliged to read this book" - National Book Review
|
Fäërÿhüntër
880 BD
 |
Taken as an infant
and raised by the Darkwood Pixies, Rengilda knows nothing of the outside
world, her troubled past or her questionable parentage. One day, her carefree
existence of sniffing flowers, smoking joy-leaves and participating in the
traditional Dance of the Flittering Toadstools is shattered, when she stumbles
upon a traveling circus that unveils the horrifying truth; she was taken
by the pixies from the Stirgood Sprites during the Great Fey-tastrophy twenty
years earlier. As decades of loathing and hatred burst forth, Rengilda becomes
a soul possessed, as a burning desire to crush the peaceful Fey blasts outward
from the core of her being and she realizes she cannot, will not, MUST not
stop until every last pixie is dashed to pieces with her vengeance!
|
"An amazing yarn. It's only a matter
of time before this epic shows up on the Sci-fi Channel!" - The Reviewinator,
AintIKewlNewz.com "Throw all of your other fantasy series into the fire,
for McSterlingthong's epics will replace them all! " - Augustine Tribble,
The Merlin Gazette
|
Darkness: The
Fall of Butterwick
|
The Gleaming Towers
and hearty stone parapets of Butterwick were thought to be the most impregnable
in all of Tardblivia…. but when Nectar arrives in the boundary areas he
finds only a smoking ruin. Now he and his stalwart companions must unravel
the mystery of what happened and why the local peasants insist that they
saw the Countess Butterwick hurl herself from the once high walls, her dress
aflame. They fear that they will all suffer the same fate unless Nectar
can help them! |
"A veritable vivisection of the English
language." - Franklin Crossbridge, Fantasy Magazine "McSterlingthong stands
with the fantasy elite that can fill pages with words." - The NewYolker
|
Sins of the
Hedgehog
 |
Nectar and his stalwart
companions travel to Fluvia, where an ominous disquiet looms over the sleepy
hamlet. While the abbot of the local church urges his flock to be kind to
all creatures, including Nectar, the townspeople suffer terribly from an
unseen, nibbling foe with a terrible secret.
Only by flexing his way through the Fluvian catacombs and recovering
the Lost Sceptre of St. Pernicious Aloicius Harmonicus can Nectar hope to
redeem the town and save its folk from the dark, prickly curse that has
befallen it.
|
"McSterlingthong lulls you into a sense
of ease with his style. I fell asleep five times!" - Mary Diagordo, Publishers
Weakly
"A triumph of word usage. Never have so many letters been put together
in so many ways." - Anonymous
|
The Pike of
Mediocrity
|
Nectar travels to
the mysterious outer reaches of Tardblivia where he stumbles upon the village
of Levitria. After a night of extreme overindulgence in the local brew,
he awakens to find himself cursed with the Pike of Mediocrity. This weapon,
of questionable power, had burdened the townsfolk for decades. Now, saddled
with this supremely average weapon, Nectar must gather his courage and face
the twin sorcerers Viagros the Stout and Cialos the Firm, or his true love
and delicate flower, the barbarian queen Ambrosia, will be trapped in their
evil tower forever….
|
"McSterlingthong's allegory for the
human condition grabs hold of deep personal issues and works them in such
a way that makes us scream for it to stop, and upon the climax leaves us
drained." - Biff Stately, Maxxum Magazine
"I have never read another book with so many new words and names. Flepitex
(the traditional Levitrian greeting), Glourgsty (a rare Levitrian ale) and
Q'znkipuper (a Levitrian curse shouted at barbarians suffering from alcohol
poisoning). That's just in the first paragraph. The dictionary must be shuddering
in fear of McSterlingthong's 'word-craftiness'!" - Fawn Delight, The New
Green Fantasy Journal
|
The Screaming
Codpiece
Picture
Coming
Soon |
Trapped in the city
of Bongostria by a vast army of darkness, Nectar must unite the Meekfolk
by brandishing the incredible auditory power of the Screaming Codpiece.
Outnumbered a thousand to one, Nectar must come to grips with the terrifying
truth of the weapon in order to weild its legendary strength and bring sonic
doom to all who stand in his way!
|
"Another epic masterpiece! McSterlingthong is so subtle in his plotting
that nothing happens for 900 pages. Bravo!" - Janet Broomfield, Reader's
Digestive
|
Armageddon's
Pastry
|
Billy Pudegfestski
was different. While the other Mennonite boys huddled in bible-study, he
spent hours in his school’s chem-lab, searching for what he knew not. A
freak discovery leads to a startling revelation, but when he returns to
his family’s tartlet and muffin factory to show his father, the one man
whose approval he craves, something goes terribly wrong. A chance epileptic
seizure brought on by his over excitement causes Billy to drop a large quantity
of his discovery, a highly radioactive isotope, into the dough-kneading
vat. When Billy regains consciousness, he learns too late that several truckloads
of the now radioactive pastries have gone out of the factory. Now, with
the fate of rural Ohio, and indeed the lands beyond, hanging in the balance
he must seek aid from his stern and quick-to-anger father. Together they
must put aside their differences and travel by ox-cart far and wide in search
of the fabled ”Dekrapoliser”, a device capable of blasting the destructive
pastries with gamma radiation before all life on planet earth is systematically
wiped out by massive radioactive fallout.
|
"With his sixth book in three months,
McSterlingthong proves once again that more is always better." - Guy Putin,
Punxsutawney Press |
The Vomitarium
 |
Agnes Churchill was a nobody.
Cursed by her marriage to the director of the local sanitarium, an abusive
man, forced to cater to his every whim as he worked her to near exhaustion
each day, and tasked with cleaning the dreaded, vomitarium, she begins to
lose hope… until she meets Him. Lance Squirereeves, a devastatingly handsome
inmate had been declared insane by his evil family to cheat him of an inheritance.
He too had lost hope until one chance encounter during a rough bout of dysentery
brings them together. Their instant love bolsters their trapped spirits
as they find a way to let their souls fly free….
|
"McSterlingthong truly puts the Vomit in Vomitorium!"
- Twice Nightly, the Tuesday Afternoon Post |
|
Contact Webmaster |
Writing Credits |
© 2008 David A. Page. All Rights Reserved. |
